The first time I heard the word cesarean, my heart stopped mid beat.
It wasn’t until quite late in my pregnancy, at 28 weeks actually. The midwife said to me, “if you feel it’s right for you, you would be able to request a cesarean… but if you wanted to go naturally, you could try.”
And that’s when the whirlwind of doctor google, talking to other mothers who had had a cesarean and other research began.
Last week, we made the decision to ask for a cesarean. And heres why…
My first labour was pretty text book, every 36 drug free hour of it. Right up until the moment Oliver was born, they put him on my chest and that’s when everything went to absolute shit.
I remember it all in flashes. The red lights, Oliver being torn off my chest and handed to James, my mother grabbing Oliver off of him and the look on his face. I was thrown a consent form with the word hysterectomy on it, my doula explained that I had had a bleed and that I was going down to theatre and I remember the look on my Dad’s face as I was wheeled past him on the way. I then remember how adamant I was that I didn’t need to be put under, and I remember the kind nurse who fought for me, “she had no drugs,” she begged, “she just wants to get back to her baby, an epidural will work fine.”
I got the epidural. The bleed stopped. I waited in recovery telling everyone who would listen about my son, “he didn’t have red hair, but that’s okay.” I just wanted to hold my baby. I felt like shit, but I just wanted to go upstairs. And after what felt like an eternity, I did.
I can’t even tell you the feeling I had coming into the room and seeing James holding our son. And the wash of relief on his face when he saw me. My whole family was there, which meant the world to me- knowing that James was not alone.
I’d had a cervical tear, which resulted in a haemorrhage and a loss of 3l of blood. My recovery took over 12 weeks, 12 weeks of not just recovery but of also finding my feet as a new mum.
I love nothing more than being a mother, but it was with-out-a-doubt the hardest time of my life.
And I thought I would do anything to never go through it again. I thought I would never have a child again. But the older Oliver gets, the less the way he came into this world matters. The three months of iron deficiency, struggling to breast feed, infections ect. just do not matter. It is all, so easily, worth it.
Once the shock of the word cesarean wore off, James and I discussed the pros and cons of the procedure.
Obviously the recovery time is not ideal, but actually it took me 12 weeks to recover from my first labour (and that was just the physical recovery). And then there’s the decreased chance of breast feeding, but I couldn’t breast feed last time either. There’s also the risks involved with the procedure, and whilst I know they are very real… the risks around my second labour are also very real, and far more anxiety evoking to me.
And on we went… and no matter how many cons we came up with I just kept thinking on the look on James’ face when things went bad. I had absolutely no control, and I actually thought I might die.
My perfect birth plan flew completely out the window and I was really not prepared for that.
Labour is so unpredictable, anything can happen. I was so set on a natural labour with my first. I was going to stroll out of there with my baby, a bruised vagina and boobs full of milk. Instead, I could barely even walk out. I had no milk, third degree tears and a scar on my cervix.
The scar on my cervix means that I might not even dilate, and require an emergency cesarean.
So we have decided that a cesarean is the right thing for us. I will walk into hospital on the day my daughter will be born, and I will walk out a few days later and bring her home. What happens in between is entirely unpredictable but at the moment I feel like I have a small level of control over it .
I love being a mother. And that has NOTHING to do with the way my child will be brought into this world.
And who knows, she might even decide to make her own entrance into this world, all I know know is I just cannot wait to meet her!
How did your child come into this world? And was it anything like you’d planned?