So I’m super open about my struggle with anxiety – which often takes people aback.
I’m also generally a really confident person.
But I’m anxious. And I’m super awkward.
I’ve been called intriguing, mysterious and even appealing – which I kinda like.
I’ve also been called batshit crazy. I didn’t like this so much, but hey – it’s probably true.
So at the moment, my anxiety is really bad.
I am riddled with self doubt and insecurities. Sometimes I can barely even get the words out. Other times a billion words come out none of which I actually intended to say.
It’s really fucking conflicting. It’s narcissistic because everybody is talking about me. And it’s nasty, because of course they all hate me.
Everyday, I get up and I just go. I mean as a Mum of 2, with a part time job, a small business, a husband and *gasp* a social life – I don’t really have a choice. And I CAN do it. I mean, it’s really hard, but I’m high functioning which means my anxiety doesn’t stop me from doing the things I want to do – it might suck all the fun out of them – but it doesn’t stop me.
But I’m tired. I’m SO tired. My mind is so busy. My first doubt starts about .2 seconds after I wake up and ends about 3 hours after I should’ve fallen asleep.
And yeah, I could just stop. And I have. My body stops. I rest, I watch bad TV, I stalk exes on Insta… but my mind is still there, and it’s still racing.
I remember when I was a kid, pre-diagnosis and I asked my friend if they ever feel like life’s not real. They looked at me like WTF, “like you’re just kinda watching yourself,” I explained. They had no idea what I meant and laughed it off. I laughed along too. But I died a bit inside. It was the first time I realised that I wasn’t normal and that’s a really hard pill to swallow – even at 28!
So yeah, I’m not normal. I’m intriguing. I’m bat shit crazy. I have anxiety and right now I feel like I could explode at any moment whilst simultaneously falling asleep because I’m so.tired.
How’s your week going?
Yo, if any of this resonates with you you really don’t have to go through it alone. The best piece of advice I can offer you is to book an appointment with your gp, or if you really need to talk call beyond blue!
Today I wore shorts for the first time since my daughter was born. In fact, it was probably the first time in about 2 years. And guess what, the world is still standing!!
I used to think that I couldn’t wear shorts if I was a gram over 75kg. Why? Because, society, that’s why.
But then I had my second child, tipped the scales at 120kg and worked my absolutely bum off (literally) to get my health back. I’ve lost 30kg and I feel 100x better. Look, I’m not saying I’m at my peak.
What I am saying, is I wore shorts today. And it felt flipping good!
*Spoilers*, it’s me.
So I took a bit of an unexpected hiatus from blogging. Shit got a little bit real around here. My daughter stopped sleeping, my husbands discharge from the Defence Force was (is) looming and then a close family member had a serious health scare. So it’s been a very busy few months.
But I’m still here. Anxiety ridden as fuck, but here.
My anxiety got so bad, I literally didn’t want to leave the house—and didn’t for days at a time. My cheeks literally hurt from clenching my jaw so much. I considering upping my medication, but decided to ride it out with the support of my husband and family.
And it’s getting better. It’s still here, that pesky little demon, but it’s not all consuming.
So yeah, one could say it’s been a really crappy few months. But actually, it hasn’t been. I’m anxious, but I’m happy. I’m so happy.
Oliver turned five. He’s the funniest kid you’ve ever met, with a heart of solid gold. Having this year off with him has meant so much to me. I feel like I’ve really gotten to know him again, I mean I’ve always known him, but I REALLY know him. I wouldn’t trade this time with him for the world.
Imogen is now 9 months. She crawls, she eats, she coos, she eats, she sleeps and did I mention she eats. She.loves.food! I’m still mix feeding her and she is such a force. She is gently and shy, but also powerful and tough. She is perfection.
And James and I are happy. Anxiety does put a strain on things, and that’s not easy on any relationship. But he is my rock, and I like to think I am his. I honestly couldn’t dream of doing this thing called life with anyone else.
We’ve made some big decisions over the past few months, and we have lots of changes coming our way. Being a Defence family goes hand in hand with change. But this should be the last big change in a long time. And I can’t wait!!
So yup, I’m back to blogging.
I can’t believe that ten week’s have gone by since I was sitting here writing about planting trees.
I can honestly say that signing up for Switch Health and Fitnesses 10 week challenge was up there with the best decisions I have ever made. I feel like a whole new person.
Total weight lost: 13.6KG
Total CMs lost: 46.5CMS
-To see double digits on the scale ✓
-To fit into my wedding rings again✓
-To be able to run 5km✓
-To fit into my Gorman Hot Night Dress✓
I’ve still got a long way to go, but looking at these pictures I can see how truly far I’ve come.
I am well and truly on the home stretch now, and I am feeling fine.
So this week, I hit a massive weight loss milestone. So, I guess I better tell you guys… I am officially under 100kg… yay.
Honestly, if you had told me this time last year that I would be celebrating reaching 99 kilos, well I would have laughed in your face.
But here we are, and I am. And, in fact, I lost 2 kg this week so I am now down to 98kg.
I am still a long way from where I want to be. I am healthiest around 75kg, so that leaves me with 23kg to go. And sometimes, the thought of how far away I am really knocks my socks off. It’s almost enough to make me through in the towel.
But then I remember this amazing quote from one of my sons favourite movies.
When I started this challenge, I was 110kg. That was only 7 weeks ago. When I was full term with Imogen, I was over 120kg. That was only 5 months ago. I may still have a long way to go, but I know I can do it because I have already come so far.
So I have 3 weeks to go, and I am really going to push it. I’m really aiming to hit 95kg by the end of the challenge.
Wish me luck!
This week fucking sucked. There are very few things that were good about it. My daughter had a cold and just would NOT sleep, which left me absolutely exhausted. Like- sitting on my couch watching ABCkids in tears- exhausted.
It was tough. I ate horribly, when I ate. Because thats the thing with sick babies, they need you all the time. Preparing food was tough, and when I had a second it was spent with my son so we ate quick meals. I tried to keep them healthy, but quick meals rarely are. Heck, I even ate a cheeseburger- it was THAT kind of week.
But I showed up. I trained, and I was mindful. On days that I ate crap, I worked harder. On days that I’d barely eaten at all, I went easy on myself.
I didn’t expect a loss this week, but I still lost half a kilo. It’s not much, but it reflects how much I have learnt.
You see, I used to be all or nothing. So if I ate poorly, I just let myself go completely. And if I didn’t have the energy to work out at my full capacity, I wouldn’t even go. But this week, I ate a bit of shit food, yeah, but I didn’t let myself go. I went half arsed at a few workouts, sure, but I turned up.
And now things are settling back to normal. Today I worked my arse off at the gym. Imogen’s sleep is (somewhat) returning to normal. My diet is back on track. And I am feeling another gush of motivation (just in time).
So yeah, this week was not ideal. And sure, I’m disappointed in the small loss this week- but I’m still here! And I’m still moving.
This week, I have officially hit the half way mark of the 10 week challenge and I am feelin’ fine!
Half way, and ten kilos down. That’s right, I lost 2kg this week and I feel fantastic.
I also completed my best run since Immy was born this week- 4km at 7.38 per km. Nothing compared to what I was clocking pre-bubba but I sure have come a long way since that lil’ lady was born.
Another thing that has me glowing is how this new leash on life has really improved my relationship with my son. He comes to me now and asks me to play with him, just like he used to before I had Immy. And I can play with him. I think my absolute favourite is when he teaches me his cool dance moves. I really want my kids to look up to me, and I really want the to see the value in a healthy lifestyle!
I am feeling pretty bloody proud right now. I have been working my butt off, and it is really starting to show. I don’t expect to go on and lose another ten kilos in the next 5 weeks (boy it’d be nice) but I am as motivated as ever to keep smashing my goals.
Oh, and the best bit, I achieved all this and still got to eat some chocolate on Saturday night. I am really getting a grasp on this balance thing.
I am so glad I started, I am so so glad that I decided to take control of my weight and do something about it. I may be half way through the challenge, but I am only 5 week’s into the rest of my life!!